Middle Earth: Its Mental Condition
by Lily Lindsey-Aubrey
Summary: The characters in LOTR might be more mentally handicapped than we think. Diagnoses of all our favourite LOTR characters' mental problems. Bonus! Contains cures. (Some parts only make sense if you've seen the extended editions of the films) (And yes, that picture is a little disturbing)
1. The Fellowship

**Disclaimer: I don't own these people, unfortunately. :/ I'll get over it eventually...**

* * *

_Psychoanalysis of the Lord of the Rings characters_

* * *

**The Fellowship**

**Frodo Baggins**

Strength: Resists the irresistible urge to place evil rings upon his finger

Weaknesses: Cannot defend himself; must be accompanied by a gardener/bodyguard at all times or will take to running towards Witch-Kings' lairs and consorting with questionable creatures

Mental Disorders: Hears strange voices in his head, and often claims that 'It's' (we don't know what) 'calling to him' (we don't know who) '!'

Favourite Food: Mushrooms (which explains his disorders)*

Probable Cure: Ceasing the consumption of mushrooms; destroying the One Ring; sailing away into the sunset

**We are not liable for any injuries or deaths that may occur as a direct result of attempting this cure. Attempt the cure at your own risk!**

**Aragorn**

Strengths: Tracking Hobbits; quieting horses; staying alive despite rapid falls from deathly heights to jagged rocks below

Weaknesses: Falling in love; getting almost-mortally wounded constantly

Mental Disorders: Low self-esteem; love-sickness

Favourite Food: Eowyn's special soup (not confirmed)

Probable Cure: Becoming King of Gondor; Having the sword of Elendil in his grasp (it's unbelievable what this can do for his confidence!)

**Warning: Any ill feelings (of the Gondorians, particularly their Steward) contracted from performing of the cure is not our fault. Perform cure solely at your own risk!**

**Peregrin Took**

Strengths: Looking really cute; loyalty and bravery

Weaknesses: Naivety; helplessness

Mental Disorders: Is obsessed with big black balls that whisper to him

Favourite Food: Mushrooms

Probable Cure: Ceasing the consumption of mushrooms; the only permanent cure is to keep the patient from shiny big black balls that whisper

**Warning: The cure will be extremely difficult, as it has been proven that the patient is willing to defy even Wizards to get back shiny balls that whisper!**

* * *

***Mushrooms, according to the great Wizard Saruman, 'addle the brain and yellow the teeth'. Mushrooms are responsible for most of the mental disorders of Hobbits, since this is their favourite food in general.**

_**a/n: Please review or PM me if you have an idea for this! Thank you, guys, and I've missed writing this, so I'm excited about starting back up. :D**_


	2. The Fellowship Cont

**Disclaimer: **I don't own these guys. And I'm not responsible for their mental conditions. I'm just their psychologist!

* * *

**Merry Brandybuck**

Strengths: Loyalty; bravery; support

Weaknesses: A crooked jaw that drives everyone else crazy; helplessness

Disorders (mental): Feels the need to fight in battles he can't win

Favourite Food: Mushrooms

Probable Cure: Ceasing the consumption of mushrooms; plastic surgery

**Warning: The patient may not take kindly to the cure. We are not liable for any injuries caused by the patient during the cure. Be aware that the patient may have depression, fatigue, mood swings, and bursts of temper for the first several months of the cure. These symptoms should stop once the addiction has worn off.**

**Legolas **

Strengths: Sees really far; shoots arrows; never gets hurt; saves the day

Weaknesses: Long hair that may tangle in bushes and trees; unable to swim

Disorders (mental): Hydrophobia; inferiority complex around his father

Favourite Food: Lembas bread

Probable Cure: Going on adventures with friends and saving the day

**Note: Unfortunately there is no known cure for hydrophobia. Tests are being run currently to research this subject.**

**Warning: We are not responsible for any injuries caused by the cure to any companions of Legolas. We cannot guarantee that Legolas is uncisseptible to all injuries.**

**Gimli**

Strengths: Strength; humour; axe-wielding skills

Weaknesses: Big beard that may tangle in bushes and trees; fear of ghosts

Disorders (mental): Fayophobia*; Dendrophobia**

Favourite Food: Red meat off the bone

Probable Cure: Meeting Galadriel; making friends with Legolas

**Warning: Some believe Galadriel is a witch. We are not responsible for any injuries or deaths of anyone that comes in contact with her. Meet her at your own risk!**

* * *

*Fear of Elves (Seriously! Real word!)

**Fear of trees


	3. The Last of the Fellowship

**Disclaimer: I don't own Boromir, Sam, or Gandalf. You know that. **

* * *

**Boromir **

Strengths: Is nice to little Hobbits; has a cool red cape; sword-wielding talents

Weaknesses: Has a bad little brother and crazy dad

Disorder (mental): Is obsessed with the One Ring

Favourite Food: Poptarts

Probable Cure: Frodo running away from him; his father committing suicide

**Warning: Due to the cure being dangerous and against the law, we do not recommend it; therefore Boromir may have to live forever with his mental illness. We are not responsible for the actions of others who try to cure Boromir. **

**Samwise Gamgee**

Strengths: Loyalty; gardening skills

Weaknesses: Fat; small and helpless

Disorder (mental): Feels the need to always be looking after Frodo; autophobia*

Favourite Food: Mushrooms

Probable Cure: Ceasing the consumption of mushrooms; being parted with Frodo forever and getting married may cure his autophobia

**Warning: The patient will resist the cure. He may experience deep depression and loneliness for the first few years of the cure, and we cannot guarantee that he'll recover. We are not liable for any injuries caused by the patient during the cure. **

**Gandalf the White**

Strengths: Special magic staff; resurrection; power to conjure up eagles to save the day

Weaknesses: Grumpy

Disorder (mental): Obsessed with Hobbits (thinks they're too cute); gets angry at Dwarves frequently

Favourite Food: Some bread and cheese, and a glass of wine

Probable Cure: Ceasing the consumption of all things alcoholic; ceasing smoking pipeweed; staying away from Dwarves

**Warning: The patient is very temperamental. Do not engage the patient in combat if he refuses the cure. Death or serious injury can occur. Keep patient away from crazy Gondorian Stewards. The patient may injure them by hitting them on the head with his staff. **

* * *

There. All done with the Fellowship. PM me if there's someone in particular you want to see, so I can make him a priority.

* * *

*AKA Monophobia, this is the fear of being alone


	4. Some Elves

**Disclaimer: Everyone knows I don't own these people. I'm just their psychologist. I am not responsible for Gandalf's anger when he sees I am displaying his mental problems to the world. Well, I am responsible. . . but anyway. . .**

* * *

_So I decided to do the secondary characters next. That means pretty much everyone else in Middle Earth besides the Fellowship and the bad guys. But I may sprinkle a couple of villains throughout, because I might not be able to wait. _

* * *

**Lord Elrond**

Strenths: Is a great Elven Lord; is only half-Elven (this could be considered a weakness by some); has two amazing sons

Weaknesses: Has to sit around doing nothing in Rivendell; has a creepy daughter

Disorders (mental): Inferiority complex (esp. around beautiful Elven women, like Galadriel and Arwen, and around crazy men, like Isildur, who he couldn't get to throw the Ring into the fire); strange attachment to embroidered bathrobes

Favourite Food: Lettuce salad with Italian vinaigrette

Probable Cure: A nice long vacation to Valinor; marrying his daughter off. He might be happy if he were to be let fight again; however, this could be dangerous, as his health is deteriorating.

**Warning: If the cure is performed, he may not return. It is very rare for anyone to return from Valinor; we are not liable if he does not. **

**Galadriel**

Strengths: Telepathic powers; a magic mirror

Weaknesses: Well, she is getting really old. . .

Disorders (mental): Thinks she 'feels things in the water and the air'. Also, Telepathy may be considered a disorder.

Favourite Food: Shrimp Scampi over Linguine

Probable Cure: Several weeks of counseling

**Warning: We cannot guarantee the success of the cure. A medication can be procured to make the symptoms temporarily subside if necessary. **

**Celeborn**

Strength: Putting up with Galadriel (who only has him there for looks)

Weaknesses: Talking like a zombie; having Galadriel around all the time

Disorder (mental): Unable to assert himself and insist upon getting his rights

Favourite Food: Sushi

Probable Cure: Counseling and a few pep talks should do it

**Warning: Performing the cure may anger Galadriel. If you wish to remain on her good side, we do not recommend this cure. Also, if the patient does get cured, it may cause friction in his relationship with Galadriel, making both unhappy. Over all, we do not recommend this cure unless making them both disgruntled is the end in mind. **

* * *

**There we are, three good Elves. Who knew Galadriel had a mental disorder? :P Please review!**


	5. Some Humans

**Disclaimer: These characters are unattainable. No hope for me to ever own them. Time to pity party. ;(**

* * *

**Faramir**

Strengths: Shoots like a Legolas; wears lincoln green; has an oober-awesome brother

Weaknesses: Has an oober-crazy dad; enjoys beating people up

Disorder (mental): Suicidal tendencies; lack of self-esteem

Favourite Food: Tomatoes

Probable Cure: His mental problems are mostly caused by his father's low esteem for him. Removing him from his father's influence may help this. Also, believing that he can never be as awesome as his brother influences his view of self. Removing his brother from his life and maybe adding a girlfriend should eventually solve his problems.

**Warning: The cure may take some time to take effect. The patient, however, should feel the effects of the removal of his father and brother immediately. If symptoms persist after three months, a new diagnosis may have to be made. This cure may involve injury and death of the patient's father and brother. We are not responsible for the actions of the one performing this cure.**

**Eowyn**

Strengths: Sword-wielding skills; taking care of Hobbits; also, she is no man! Which sometimes is convenient

Weaknesses: Can't cook- at ALL*; falls in love rather too quickly

Disorder (mental): Thinks she needs to save the world by fighting in battles; is attracted to scruffy men; not to mention her thinking she can cook

Favourite Food: Almond chocolate Hershey bar

Probable Cure: Killing Witch-King of Angmar, which will make her feel fulfilled; falling in love with Faramir

**Warning: Lord Sauron will not like this cure. We are not responsible for any deaths or injuries that result from his consequent anger. Lord Sauron, we are not liable for any deaths or injuries of your servants from the performing of this cure.**

**Eomer**

Strengths: Can ride a horse; is going to be King of Rohan; is just a really nice guy

Weaknesses: Has a terrible uncle (for a while, until he is cured; but that's another diagnosis of another person)

Disorder (mental): Fayophobia**

Favourite Food: Lemon Meringue Pie

Probable Cure: Meeting Gimli and being convinced that Galadriel is not creepy

**Warning: This cure is not guaranteed to work. The patient may claim to be cured, but watch his actions carefully. If he refuses to go near Lothlorien and stays away from Legolas, he still is mentally impaired. Repeat cure until he is completely convinced.**

* * *

_Sorry this was so late in the day! I was trying to do a chapter a day, so I finally put this one up this evening. I have a painful cold (another pity party) and a lot going on, so sorry again that it took so long. I'll try to put up another chapter tomorrow. Hugs, or your preferred sign of affection, to all reviewers and followers. You guys are awesome! *Heart heart heart*_

* * *

*Unfortunately, she thinks she can. See the extended edition of the movies. It's so worth it to watch them! If you don't you miss some of the best parts: the Mouth of Sauron, and this particular one, which is, IMO, hilarious. Go watch it! P.S.: I think you can find the extended scenes on youtube.

**As mentioned before, this is the fear of Elves. Eomer is rather creeped out (like me!) by Galadriel.


	6. And Some Bad Guys

**Disclaimer: I am a poor, destitute authoress. I own nothing. But I own everything in my imagination. The world is mine! Muahahaha. . .**

* * *

**Denethor**

Strength: None

Weaknesses: Lots and lots

Disorder (mental): Suicidal tendencies

Favourite Food: Chicken, tomatoes, bread, and a glass of wine

Probable Cure: The only way to cure Denethor's obsession with committing suicide is to let him do it

**Warning: We do not advise this cure, as it is against the law. We are not liable for the patient's suicide if it occurs. We recommend keeping the patient away from altars, oil, flames, and heights. **

**Saruman**

Strengths: Most powerful Wizard (for a while); cool tower; ability to knock mountains down by singing

Weaknesses: Hangs out with dangerous people

Disorder (mental): Is obsessed with shiny black balls, and talks to them

Favourite Food: Spaghetti and meatballs

Probable Cure: Getting a friend; turning from the dark side

**Warning: The patient will not take readily to the cure. In fact, in the opinion of the head psychologist, it is a hopeless case. However there is no proof that the patient can never be cured, so we believe it is worth a try. If all else fails. . .give up. Do not engage the patient in mortal combat. You will surely lose. We are not responsible for any deaths caused by the patient. **

**Grima Wormtongue**

Strengths: Seduction (persuasive powers); good at creeping people out

Weaknesses: Eowyn

Disorder (mental): Does whatever he's told to by Saruman; inferiority complex

Favourite Food: Marshmallow Peeps

Probable Cure: Taking out his anger on Saruman by stabbing him in the back; Eowyn liking him and deciding to marry him

**Warning: The first course of action is not advised, as it involves death and gore. We are not responsible for any deaths. Ever. The second course of action may well turn out to be impossible. If desperate to cure the patient, keep Eowyn away from Faramir and maybe someday she will realize how great the patient really is. However this is unlikely, and also it will ruin Faramir's chance of being cured. **

* * *

_Please review! And suggest more characters you want to hear about soon. I was thinking about either doing The Hobbit characters in here, or else doing another one about them. Anyway, let me know what you think! _


	7. More Elves

**Disclaimer: I do not own these guys. **

* * *

**Arwen **

Strengths: Making rivers obey her command; she has a great dad and brothers

Weaknesses: Likes Aragorn

Disorder (mental): Thinks she saw the vision of the future in which she is married to Aragorn and they have a child

Favourite Food: Artichoke Hearts

Probable Cure: Going to Valinor

**Warning: We know of no other cure for the patient's mental condition. We suggest letting her do whatever she wants, since if you don't problems will result. She will definitely resist going to Valinor unless Aragorn can go with her. Therefore the best thing to do is leave her in Gondor. We are not responsible etc. **

**Haldir**

Strengths: Dying epic-ly; nice red cape

Weaknesses: Dies

Disorder (mental): Thinks he is proud to fight alongside men once more

Favourite Food: Spinach Strawberry salad

Probable Cure: Fighting alongside men once more and dying

**Warning: As the cure involves death, of course it is not recommended. As the patient's malady is not dangerous or very harmful to him, we suggest letting him just live with it. **

**Lindir***

Strength: Is good at being a servant and counselor

Weakness: Looks like a girl

Disorder (mental): Nanosophobia**

Favourite Food: Carrots

Probable Cure: Having to have Dwarves in Rivendell for an extended amount of time

**Warning: We are not responsible for any destruction or havoc caused by the cure. Rivendell may never look the same again. Also, the cure will be extremely uncomfortable for the patient. **

* * *

*Lindir is not very well-known to those who have only seen the LOTR films. He is the dark-haired Elf in Rivendell. In The Hobbit, he is more noticeable, being the one who tells Lord Elrond that the Dwarves have left Rivendell.

**This is the fear of Dwarves. It is not a medically recognized name for the fear, but as there is no other word for it (at least in our library of psychological terms) we have had to use it here.


	8. The Three Most Epic Villains

**Disclaimer: I stole everything. Muahahaha!**

* * *

**Witch-King of Angmar**

Strengths: No man can kill him; he can defeat Gandalf

Weaknesses: Can be killed by women (and perhaps Elves, Hobbits and Dwarves, since they are not men)

Disorder (mental): Gets easily distracted; is overly confident

Favourite Food: Strawberries and cream

Probable Cure: One Adderall pill (500 mg) daily*

**Warning: Since the patient is a villain we do not recommend curing him. However, if the Earth ever falls to Lord Sauron's rule it would be best to know the cure so that you can heal him and he won't kill you. **

**Lord Sauron**

**Warning: If you are Lord Sauron, do not read this. If you are not Lord Sauron, do not tell him about this and do not tell him what this says. We are not responsible for this information, as it consists of simple facts that are not our fault. Lord Sauron, do not kill us. **

Strengths: Has the self-proclaimed title of Lord; strikes fear into the hearts of all his enemies (esp. Elves, who shudder at the mention of Mordor)

Weaknesses: Lost his wars; is sometimes nothing more that an eye

Disorder (mental): Likes to spook people by saying in a creepy whisper, 'I See You!'; has an unnatural wish to rule the whole of Middle Earth

Favourite Food: Unknown, but some suspect it to be pickles**

Probable Cure: His Precious One Ring being destroyed, at which point he will hopefully give up his world domination plans

**Note: Lord Sauron, as you see, we have been thoughtful enough to diagnose your mental condition and find you a cure. Therefore you should spare our lives. Lily Lindsey-Aubery requests us to say that she is only the secretary. The actual psychologist chooses to remain anonymous. **

**Warning: The patient will not like the cure at all. We suggest not telling the patient that the cure is being attempted. We are not responsible for any deaths or injuries incurred by the angry patient when he finds that the cure is being attempted, or that the cure has been accomplished (if it ever is). **

**Smeagol, aka Gollum**

Strengths: Is somehow really cute; is a really good guide through Mordor and the Dead Marshes

Weaknesses: Must rely on his tricksiness, as he has no weapons or skills with weapons

Disorder (mental): Schizophrenia***

Favourite Food: Raw fish, so juicy, sweet!

Probable Cure: The liquidation of his 'Precious'; having him meet Frodo (or other nice person who doesn't beat him up all the time)

**Note: We are hoping that the second half of the cure will boost his self-esteem, which could be good for him. We cannot guarantee that the cure will actually cure the patient 100%, but we can hope, can't we? **

**Warning: The patient has been evil and insane for a very long time. Do not expect an immediate change. Also be careful around this patient, as he is very tricksy. Do not trust him until you are absolutely sure he is completely cured. **

* * *

*Adderall is the brand name for Dextroamphetamine, a drug that helps keep people focused. Consult a doctor before usage, or if you have a medical concern. Consult me!

**The Witch-King of Angmar was kind enough to give us his opinion on this subject

***This patient has many mental disorders, but we chose to focus on just one, as it is the most obvious. Some of the others are (this is not an exhaustive list): Obsession with riddles; obsession with something he calls 'the precious'; obsession with a Hobbit called Baggins; obsession with Elven rope; obsession with big spiders; obsession with saying everything funny (for example: Orcses, batses, Bagginses, etc.); obsession with taters; obsession with... you get the point

* * *

_I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter. I had lots of fun with it. I mean, like, these are like the three coolest people (or beings, if you prefer) in Middle Earth! (Don't tell Gandalf I said that... or Galadriel... or anyone, for that matter.)_


	9. Characters from The Hobbit

**Disclaimer: I don't own etc. etc. etc...**

**Note: Review! I'm competing with OneSizeFitsAll and her story 'A Reasonable Defense' for the amount of reviews. I'm currently loosing... :( I will be forever grateful if you review! :D**

* * *

_Another Note: We are sorry we are slightly behind schedule posting a new chapter. We were rather busy eluding Lord Sauron to the best of our abilities, and found it quite difficult to proceed with the writing of these articles for a time. Hopefully he has given up the chase, however, and our writing will be back on schedule. Forgive us for any inconvenience caused by this mishap. -The Loving Author (and secretary)_

* * *

**Bilbo Baggins**

Strength: He literally saves the day no less than five times (six if you count walking out his door) in just the first two films. (We estimate another two, at least, in the third)

Weaknesses: He is a Hobbit, and therefore necessarily weak and small

Disorder (mental): Feels the need to do everything anyone tells him to, or, in short, a pushover

Favourite Food: Mushrooms, but also likes some hot fish with lemon and salt

Probable Cure: Going on an adventure

**Warning: By very definition adventures are dangerous. Therefore we suggest that the patient is accompanied by an eagle summoner at all times. This will greatly diminish the likelihood of him dying. We hope. **

**Thorin Oakenshield**

Strength: Talent at swordfighting; brave, strong, etc.

Weaknesses: Pride

Disorder (mental): Chrematomania*

Favourite Food: Venison

Probable Cure: Reclaiming his homeland

**Warning: Again, this cure could be dangerous, and therefore hard for us to recommend. However, since Bilbo Baggins and his accompanying eagle-whisperer need to go on an adventure anyways, we suggest that the patient takes them with him. It will, in our humble opinion, greatly increase his odds of success (or at least survival). **

**Thranduil, Elven-King**

Strength: Well, he's king. Oh, and he's really good at whacking off Orc heads without looking.

Weaknesses: Long hair that may tangle in trees and bushes. And that crown, that may tangle in the hair. And everything else.

Disorder (mental): Chrematomania*

Favourite Food: Skittles**

Probable Cure: We believe that if the patient were given the Arkenstone, which his heart desires above all else, and he were to give it back to its rightful owner, then he would be cured.

**Warning: Our secretary begs to differ. She declares that a greedy person will not be cured by giving something away, because he would never do that. But we still think there's a chance. Anyway, it's worth a try, right?... We didn't ask you, Thorin...**

* * *

_*_An obsession with money. Could also be perhaps cresomania.

**This information was entirely unknown until recently. It so happened that one day King Thranduil's manservant entered the throne room to do some duty or other, and was quite startled to find the king eating Skittles as fast as he could fit them into his mouth. When Thranduil saw the servant, he leaped up guiltily. 'Get out, you foul dog,' he cried, turning red in the face and pointing the way with a shaking finger. The manservant was severely punished. (We had this account first-hand from the manservant; however we are not 100% sure of its accuracy.)

_One More Note: We just had a call from a fellow psychiatrist who is practicing in Gotham City. He informed us that the proper word for Denethor's illness was Autophonomania, the obsession with suicide. He also suggests that one of his problems may have been Cremnomania, an abnormal interest in cliffs. We are thankful for this Doctor's help (he chooses to remain anonymous at this time). _

_Also... if any, what Dwarves should we do? Because we aren't exactly sure that we want to do them all...:D_


	10. Cave Trolls and Dwarves

**Disclaimer: Same old, same old, I own nothing. **

* * *

_Note: We will return to writing about LOTR characters shortly. There are several more I'm planning on doing. _

* * *

**Tom, Burt, and William (Cave Trolls)**

Strengths: Can, and will, cook and eat almost anything

Weaknesses: Stupid beyond comprehension; turn to stone in sunlight

Disorder (mental): Overly trusting and gullible

Favourite Food: They think they like Hobbit, but they don't know because they never got a chance to try any

Probable Cure: There is no known cure for this ailment

**Note: Since there is no cure for these patients' illness, you will have to state everything in a very obvious manner. Do not try to subtly hint, because they won't understand you at all. **

**Warning: Cave Trolls are dangerous. Keep away from small children. **

**Kili**

Strengths: Almost as good as an Elf with the bow; unlike most Dwarves, does not have a long beard to tangle in trees and bushes

Weaknesses: Is susceptible to poison

Disorder (mental): Falls in love with beings of separate races (in other words, Tauriel)

Favourite Food: Pork Pie (he says he likes the crust best)

Probable Cure: Death or marrying the being of separate race (in other words, Tauriel)

**Warning: Death is illegal. Do not perform this cure yourself. One way to do this is to let him go on a dangerous adventure, preferably without an eagle-whisperer, and make him fight in a battle, at the end of which he dies defending his king. However this treatment is not recommended. The second option is to let him marry the being of the separate race, and then he will be killed by King Thranduil. Either way works well, but neither is suggested, as you will probably be punished for your actions. **

**Fili**

Strength: Is always prepared, carrying many weapons

Weaknesses: None, because he always carries lots of weapons

Disorder (mental): Obsession with carrying many wepons

Favourite Food: Pork Pie (he prefers the meat inside)

Probable Cure: Removing his weapons from him for an extended period of time (about three years)

**Warning: There is no need to cure this patient, as his malady is harmless, and really rather helpful sometimes. Also if the cure is performed it may leave the patient rather traumatized. He may contract another mental illness. We suggest not curing the patient. **

* * *

_Please review! Thanks to those who have and will. And keep telling me ideas for which other characters to do. _


	11. More Villains

**30 Reviews! I'm giddy with happiness. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own these beings any more than I own Darth Vader's favourite lightsabre. OK?**

* * *

**Mouth of Sauron (affectionately known as MOS)**

Strengths: Brave; charming

Weaknesses: Easily defeated; has no skills with any weapons

Disorder (mental): Sadist; fear of brushing teeth

Favourite Food: Chocolate ice cream with sour gummy worms

Probable Cure: None known

**Note: The patient should probably be incarcerated. He will have to be forced to brush his teeth, but we are afraid he will never lose his pleasure in tormenting people mentally, emotionally and physically. **

**Azog the Defiler**

Strengths: Whacks people around with ease; has perfectly symmetrical scars that look cool

Weaknesses: Lost a hand; doesn't look as scary as most Orcs

Disorder (mental): Is obsessed with heads, esp. disembodied ones

Favourite Food: Dwarf flesh

Probable Cure: Getting the heads of Thror, Thrain, and Thorin in his collection

**Warning: As it requires three disembodied heads to cure the patient, and only one to kill him, we recommend decapitating the patient instead of trying to cure him. If you insist upon curing him, however, we issue you a warning: the patient is dangerous. You will hear black speech! Do not repeat what you hear*. **

**Smaug **

Strengths: Is a dragon; has a whole kingdom full of gold

Weaknesses: Has a convenient hole in his scales for people to shoot arrows into

Disorder (mental): Auromania**; homicidal

Favourite Food: Lake town people; Erebor people; Dwarves

Probable Cure: None. Incarcerate

**Warning: A special building may be needed to contain the patient, as he is above normal size. Fire-proof materials recommended. **

* * *

*Black speech is considered a terrible thing to listen to. All films (in Middle Earth) containing black speech are automatically rated R. For avid black speakers, however, black speech rock and black speech rap songs are made by Orcs and are available for purchase on Whamazon.

**An inane and unnatural love for gold


	12. Faith, but who'd ha' thought? Dwarves!

_I am so sorrrrryyyyy *beats ourselves on our heads in repentance* for not posting another chapter yesterday. I totally messed up my streak! *growls and howls* OK. I'm good. _

**Disclaimer: I obviously don't own any of these people. But I do have a home-made fan license to torture them and contort them into whatever I want them to be. Muahahaha**

* * *

For clarification: We are not liable for this libel. Suing is not recommended. :D *insert creepy Mouth of Sauron smile here*

**Bombur**

Strength: Barrel-rolling skills

Weaknesses: Is extremely fat and endangers all items upon which he seats his rotund self.

Disorder (mental): Gluttony

Favourite Food: ? Really? Can't you tell he'll eat- and LOVE- everything? But he especially likes blocks of cheese

Probable Cure: Lifetime Diets for the Plumply Challenged™

**Warning: Patient will resist with vehemence the suggested cure. *Shrug* Well, sorry. **

**Balin**

Strength: Cute cute cute! And the normal Dwarvish axe-wielding abilities...

Weaknesses: Old

Disorder (mental): Overly sentimental due to traumatic experience involving Thorin, Thrain, Thror, a destructive dragon, and a defiling Orc

Favourite Food: Lentil stew

Probable Cure: Settling down in Erebor and never going on adventures again

**Warning: It is very unlikely that this cure will succeed. We predict that the patient will never give up his adventurous tendencies, and will probably perish in a foolish attempt to take back Moria. But you can still try...**

**Bofur**

Strength: His accent

Weaknesses: His accent (when he talks he gives you the sense that any moment he'll pop up with a 'Saints preserve us!'*)

Disorder (mental): Homesickness; obsession with big silly hats

Favourite Food: Barbecue chicken

Probable Cure: Going home and having his hat mysteriously disappear

**Warning: The first part of the cure may prove difficult if not impossible. The second part should be easier; you may hire a Burglar-Hobbit for the job, or perhaps Kili would do it for you. We are not responsible for any injuries or deaths that result from either half of the cure. ,':D (evil Loki grin)**

* * *

_There we are. Three more dwarves. Tell me how you like it! And thanks for all the reviews. Over forty... awesome awesome awesome_

_*Oh, and seriously, when he says 'I wish ye all the luck in the world,' to Bilbo, I'm half expecting 'I wish ye all the luck o' the Irish...' XD_

_See ya!_


	13. Yet More Bad Dudes

**Disclaimer: I do not own. **

* * *

**The King of the Dead (along with his goons)**

Strengths: Can't be killed except with the sword of Elendil; able to activate skull avalanches

Weaknesses: Can be killed by Isildur's heir (if he wields the sword of Elendil)

Disorder (mental): Bipolar*; obsessed with being cursed

Favourite Food: Doughnut holes

Probable Cure: Being released from the curse by Aragorn

**Warning: Skulls are dangerous. Do not touch. **

**Orcs (in general)**

Strengths: Bravery; loyalty; persistence; initiative

Weaknesses: Almost everyone kills them on sight, which could make survival for them difficult

Disorder (mental): Do whatever they are told (that is, by evil people)

Favourite Food: Pizza**

Probable Cure: Saruman should research and see whether it is possible for Orcs to reform.

**Warning: Reformed Orcs may still get killed by everyone who sees them because of their general reputation. This suggestion is not guaranteed to work. **

**The Nazgul (aka black riders)**

Strengths: Look really scary and awesome; ride dragon-like creatures; terrify all with their screams; can see you when you wear the Ring

Weaknesses: Cannot see very well, and so must rely on hearing and smell most of the time

Disorder (mental): Obsessed with Rings

Favourite Food: Oreos

Probable Cure: Sauron being defeated

**Note: It is hoped that when Lord Sauron is defeated (if ever), his servants will be released from the Ring spell. However, we are not sure that it will actually work. **

* * *

*The King of the dead and his goons are evidently bipolar, because when Aragorn said he would release them from the curse they initially refused. However, after accidentally activating a skull-slide, they quickly accepted the soon-to-be-King's proposal.

**Seriously. Orcs love pizza. Ask any Orc what his favourite food is, and he'll tell you pizza.


	14. Mushrooms, and perhaps The End

_Firstly, we are so sorry we haven't posted. Our internet is acting up, so we were rather hindered. _

_Also, we decided to do something different today. Some wonder why we have recommended the cessation of the consumption of mushrooms to some of our patients; here we have put a letter from Saruman to explain. _Saruman the White is an expert on all things mushroom. We suggest taking his advice, as he has studied the subject in some depth. We_ are almost completely out of ideas for characters to do, so this may be the last chapter. If you have suggestions, please tell us via PM or review. _

* * *

**Mushrooms**

I have researched mushrooms in great depth. In fact, I'm Middle Earth's leading expert on them. My authority is to be trusted. I have found that they are extremely harmful to one's physical, mental, and emotional health. I highly recommend shunning them. Never, ever ingest them. That means you, Pippin.

The reason mushrooms are so harmful to human (and Elven, Dwarvish, Hobbitish, etc.) digestive systems is because they are a fungus. Fungi cause the teeth to yellow and the brain to addle. If an excess of mushrooms is consumed, one is likely to end up like Radagast the Brown, mad as a march hare, and looking ridiculous to boot.

My opinion is that mushrooms are one of Sauron's devices for conquering the world (especially the Shire, since the inhabitants of that land are quite fond of the vile things), and in order to thwart his evil plans we must not consume them or encourage their growth.

Saruman the White, Orthanc, Isengard


	15. And Some More Elves

**Disclaimer: Me no own, you no sue, us be happy.**

* * *

_Wow! We're continuing! Shocked? We have to say, we miss this story rather a lot. Does anyone else? Just know we probably will not continue our diagnoses if we don't get a lot of response to this chapter, simply because without motivation we're really lazy. So if you want more, please tell us. We're so sorry for the long wait, everyone. :/_

* * *

**Glorfindel**

Strengths: Balrog fighting skills; amazing horse; dazzling golden hair

Weaknesses: Dies easily from Balrogs; gets horse stolen every now and again

Disorders (mental): Obsessed with how he looks; overly dramatic; easily stimulated

Favourite Food: Jelly babies

Probable Cure: Should have stayed in Valinor. Though it's too late now. We suggest that the patient heads back there as soon as possible.

**Warning: The patient will not like the idea of returning to Valinor. He has bad memories associated with it; also, the cook in Rivendell is very talented, and Elrond is letting him stay there for free. We suggest tricking the patient into performing the cure; we are not responsible for any injuries sustained because of attempting the cure. **

**Gildor**

Strengths: Thinks a lot; likes to sing; gives advice

Weaknesses: His thoughts are stupid; his singing is terrible; his advice is unhelpful

Disorders (mental): Thinks that he should go to Valinor; the unhelpful advice seems to point to a tendency to be slightly deranged, giving the impression that a normal case of insanity may be his problem

Favourite Food: Cheez Wiz

Probable Cure: By all means do not let the patient travel to Valinor. It will only make him more zoo-y. Try to keep him in either the Havens or Rivendell, and, though he cannot be cured, at least he will not get worse.

**Warning: Any injuries the patient acquires due to his stay in Imladris is not to be blamed on us. We are only the psychiatrist. We are not responsible for the actions of Elrond's sons or his guests. **

**Galdor**

Strengths: Is very good at throwing knives; less zoo-y than most of his race

Weaknesses: Often aims at things he shouldn't aim at; tends to be rather sadistic

Disorders (mental): Sadistic; manipulative; verging on psychotic

Favourite Food: Fried Ants

Probable Cure: Keep patient from practicing his aim at people at all costs. Make sure the patient has something to replace his weapons in his life; a balrog plushie may be a good substitute.

**Warning: We are not responsible if the cure does not work. Nor are we responsible for the death of the one trying to perform the cure, if such a death should occur.**

* * *

**So there you have three more Elves! Please review. Please? **


	16. More and More Elves

**Disclaimer: We only continue to disclaim because it's so fun. No one would **_**actually **_**sue us, right?... right? We do not own Erestor. Tolkien owns Erestor. Used without permission. We feel guilty whenever we use Erestor because we can never write Erestor as well as Erestor (the fan fic writer) does. Hence the long wait for him.**

* * *

_We will here answer our special guest reviewers because they are really nice and we can't send them a PM like we can to other reviewers. :) Dear first guest: You get Erestor, Elladan, and Elrohir straight away, them being some of our favourite charac- I mean, patients. :D Elrond has been keeping them rather busy of late, but finally he has let them get psychoanalyzed. Dear second Guest: Yes, we have read the book, though it's been a while and hence we are reading it again with utmost relish. We have not, however, finished reading Silmarillion, simply because we are fat and lazy. But we will still feature some of the char- ahem, patients from that, because we have read some of it, and we love them. :D We will even give them free diagnoses! ... If they promise not to kill us… (Melkor, we are talking about you!) Guest again: We do not get tired of talking to you at all. The more you talk, the more we can psychoanalyze you (muahaha). The Laketown people will come eventually. There are so many that we must research though! Excuse us, but it may take us a while. :) Suggestions are very welcome! Thank you, thou glorious guests!_

* * *

**Erestor**

Strengths: Very good writer; very good scribe; very good at annoying Glorfindel

Weaknesses: Very good at getting annoyed by Glorfindel; no known fighting skills

Disorders (mental): Suspected sadism (you never know; he's too quiet and brooding for us to diagnose very well)

Favourite Food: As far as we can tell, tea. Chai tea.

Probable Cure: We are really not sure about this one… we would recommend keeping him away from blonde Elves and letting him translate and scribble as much as he wants.

**Warning: The patient may be so fond of the cure that he will not be pleased with going back to normal. We are not responsible for any pouting he does. We think that if you get Lord Elrond on your side, the patient will do whatever you tell him to out of a sense of duty. **

**Elladan and Elrohir **

Strengths: Look alikes (thus they can each blame the other with satisfactory results); sons of powerful Elven lord; clever; fighting skills

Weaknesses: Suspected immaturity; suspected carefree-ness

Disorders (mental): Suspected schizophrenia. Either will often call himself by the other's name

Favourite Food: Whatever isn't on their plates

Probable Cure: Separation for a long period of time

**Warning: We are not responsible for any violence from the patients due to the cure. It is inevitable that neither will be pleased. We suggest resisting even Lord Elrond, who will get so sick of his sons' complaints that he will elect to stop the cure. **

**Tauriel***

Strengths: OC powers (indestructibility; ability to attract anyone from Elf to Dwarf); Elven knife slasher skills; ability to defy Elven-Kings

Weaknesses: OC problems (a lot of haters); tragic love story

Disorders (mental): Thinks she exists (when she sorta doesn't)

Favourite Food: Green smoothies

Probable Cure: The patient has a very complicated mental case. It is being further researched at the moment. However, we think that if she commits suicide or is in some other way disposed of, all confusion will be cleared up.

**Warning: We are not to be blamed for any murders or suicides attempted because of our suggestion. We do not recommend the cure, due to severe repercussions to ourselves if we did. We suggest that, if you insist on performing the cure, you neglect to tell the patient beforehand.**

* * *

*We do not hate Tauriel exactly, but we do dislike her rather much. Nevertheless, this diagnosis is purely for the sake of humor, and not because we bear Tauriel, Peter Jackson, or anyone else any ill will.

* * *

_Thank you, all reviewers; your feedback is much appreciated. We can use it for research. And if an individual leaves enough reviews, we may be able to diagnose his mental problems… which could be interesting… although we would not publish them in this collection of articles because we would rather use it for blackmail. }:-D We apologize for the length of our notes to viewers. They are not usually this long._


	17. Laketown Men

**Disclaimer: We own not these people. And Elves. Etc. But we own our psychoanalyses of them. Not to be used without our permission (because some of them might get us in trouble, hehe)**

* * *

_Guest: Hi there again! Yes, even guest reviewers are loved by us; we loves reviews, precious! Yes, name yourself! :) Then we can psychoanalyze you better… muahaha. ME: *cowers* sorry… but wow. We're astonished at how much attention this humble story is getting. Thank you so much, all reviewers!_

* * *

**Bard **

Strengths: Good bowman; good sailor; good at smuggling

Weaknesses: Easily knocked out; doesn't get along with certain masters and their goons

Disorders (mental): A pushover

Favourite Food: Potatoes and cabbage

Probable Cure: Patient needs to psych himself. A little help from the outside might be useful; counselling is recommended. The patient must be brought to believe that it is perfectly fine to say 'no' sometimes.

**Warning: We are not responsible for any injuries to the patient due to his refusing anything to dwarves because of his new ability to say no. Keep the patient away from easily angered people (Gandalf, Thorin Oakenshield, and the Elven-King of Mirkwood mainly)! **

**The Master of Laketown **

Strengths: None

Weaknesses: Too many to name

Disorders (mental): Greed that rivals even the Elven-King's

Favourite Food: Fried chicken

Probable Cure: The patient should be put in a dungeon on bread and water for a few years. This might bring him a little more to his senses. NO GUARANTEES.

**Warning: The patient will, obviously, object to the cure. You must be strong and insist on the cure. Don't let any gold into the patient's sight during the cure. **

**Alfrid**

Strengths: Good at tripping people; good at getting away with doing bad stuff

Weaknesses: Bad at looking like he's being useful

Disorders (mental): Extreme cowardice

Favourite Food: Roast Pheasant

Probable Cure: Keep the patient away from money and gold. Keep him away from evil influences, too (mainly the Master of Laketown). If the patient didn't feel so rejected, his mental state might improve.

**Warning: We are not recommending that people do not reject the patient. He is not to be trusted. The patient is not dangerous, but people who dislike him are. Do not let zealous bowmen attack the patient; it would push him to the brink of insanity.**

* * *

_How would you like another essay from a highly respected person of Middle Earth for next time (similar to Saruman's treatise on mushrooms)? Tell us in a review, precious! _


	18. A Treatise on the Subject of Suicide

_We have a slight problem. We have a terrible cold, and being only a humble psychiatrist we are unable to cure ourselves. So annoying. _

_Anyhow, today we have a letter just sent in from Lord Denethor, Steward of Gondor. He has chosen to write on the delicate topic of suicide. His views are not necessarily condoned or applauded by us, and we must give this chapter an extra strong rating- T- because of disturbing and perhaps violent and psychotic content._

* * *

**A Treatise on the Subject of Suicide**

My dear doctor,

You have asked me to donate to your noble mental experiment, and I have decided to do so by writing a short article to convince the many aspiring psychologists that read your works that suicide is quite a good and natural way to die, and should no longer be outlawed.

To start with, I think it is best to define suicide. According to my Official Dictionary of Gondor, suicide is _the action of killing oneself intentionally. _This is, of course, illegal in all the realms of Middle Earth; but should it be? Should we suppress the freedom of the individual merely to save a few lives that aren't wanted, anyhow? I believe not, and here is why.

First, suicide is harmless. Elves, with their lofty ideals and petty problems claim that they outlaw suicide for the good of the one who is trying to perform it; but if that's what the person wants, why not let him? Shouldn't his life be in his own hands? Think of Maedhros. If he hadn't cast himself into the chasm he would have had to bear the pain of the Silmaril for much longer. Moreover, suicide is a happy thing for those left behind. Let's be honest here; if I hadn't committed suicide, everyone would be a lot more unhappy than they are now. If Turin and Nienor hadn't committed suicide, I, for one, would have been quite annoyed (although this would be solved if murder wasn't against the law; but that's another topic for a later date).

Second, suicide is epic. It is so inspiring and awesome that it creates memorable parts in history books, thus helping children recall their heritage. If no one ever killed himself, how would we remember important historical moments? If Feanor hadn't practically made the balrogs slaughter him, would we even remember that battle?

Third, suicide is fun. As you may have noticed, amusement parks are not illegal. Cotton candy is not illegal. So why suicide? It is unjust. It is unfair. Anyone who had seen my epic descent from the rock of Minas Tirith knows within him that it was the most enjoyable thing I have ever done. If I had never done it, my death would be nowhere near as fulfilling. Imagine if I had simply died at the hands of a balrog, or by falling into a pit or something! How lame is that?

How can we so blatantly throw aside the necessity of freedom for every man and forbid this harmless practice? No! We must stand against this rule, made by petty elves and uneducated Valar. We must fight against this tyranny keeping us from enjoying our own demises! Stand with me, men of psychology, let us fight! As Theoden King so aptly put it (and this is the first time we have ever agreed on anything), Death! Death! Death!

-Denethor, Steward of Gondor

* * *

_*cough* I think I shall actually rate this chapter T+. NOT SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN UNDER THE AGE OF 30, NOR THOSE EASILY CONVINCED. _

_The sentiments expressed in this article are not necessarily approved of by the publisher. We are not responsible for any acts of suicide directly related to this article. We do not own this article; all rights go to Denethor, Steward of Gondor. _


	19. Silmarillion Patients

_WE ARE VERY SORRY THAT OUR PREVIOUS POST CAUSED THE DEATH OF TWO OF OUR READERS. O.o We were not expecting that. Perhaps we shouldn't publish the letter about murder after all… _

_In loving memory of Phillip Callaway (who straightway after reading Denethor's treatise threw himself over a bridge and was never seen or heard of again) and Pip the Dark Lord of All (who promptly after reading it set himself dramatically on fire before leaping epically off into the Grand Canyon). You will not be forgotten, faithful but prematurely dead readers! _

_For this chapter, we had some guest psychiatrists come in: Melkor'sOnlyLieutenant wrote the Feanor one, OneSizeFitsAll wrote the Maeglin one, and ccgaylord wrote the Turin one. All credit goes to them. Their other stories are awesome, so go read them. :) We do not, however, promote their cure suggestions, and we are not liable if they don't work. Or if they misfire. Sue them, not us. :] They got a little carried away, I think..._

* * *

**Feanor**

Strengths: Excellent public speaker, makes pretty things, can survive having 7 children (if THAT isn't a strength, then I don't know what is. XD)

Weaknesses: Can't play well with others, questionable parenting skills, a tendency to start wars that can't be won

Diagnosis: An uncontrollable obsessiveness with shiny things, particularly the Silmarils.

Cure: Remove shiny things, including the Silmarils, from the patient. Patient will be angry and try to get said Silmarils back, and possibly go as far as to declare war.

**Warning: The patient will protest if you try to perform the cure. We recommend having a few powerful Valar or something nearby if you plan to cure the patient. The patient will be unpredictable while being cured, and may try to challenge balrogs. **

**Maeglin**

Strengths: mild intelligence, stoicism, patience, can get his mother to do anything he wants her to, can stand up to his father, even though Aredhel, the supposedly strong willed elf woman, couldn't, has no qualms about throwing seven year-old little boys off ramparts (is that a strength or a weakness?), has no trouble getting (most) people to trust him, is the favourite advisor of King Turgon in spite of his youth (until Tuor shows up)

Weaknesses: made the mistake of not saving his father in front of the girl he was trying to impress, is completely obsessed with said girl, can't stand up to torture, is easily manipulated by being promised aforesaid girl as a reward for his help, is a creepy stalker, stupidly disobeys laws made by the King and gets in trouble, indirectly kills hundreds of people, sleeping and eating disorders

Favourite Food: He doesn't eat often, due to his unrequited infatuation with his cousin which has led to deep depression and eating disorders. When he does eat, he goes on a sugar binge, and devours multiple packages of Fig Newtons.

Diagnosis: Dysthymia (low self-esteem and very self-critical due to being unable to save his mother and rejected by the object of his obsession, eating and sleeping disorders, is consistently gloomy and depressed)

Cure: The patient's mental issues seem to stem from three areas. 1) guilt over his parents' deaths 3) his cousin's unqualified rejection. The patient may benefit from being repeatedly assured that his parents' deaths were not his fault, though this is not strictly true. If the patient were to marry his cousin, Idril Celebrindal, his mental issues might diminish.

**Warning: Broaching the subject of the patient's parents is done at your own risk, and we are not liable for any injury the patient may inflict on you. As marriage between cousins is frowned upon and Lady Celebrindal would greatly object, the second treatment is in no way advised. In NO way.**

**Turin**

Strengths: survives everything, slays dragons, is basically a serial killer with a very high body count.

Weaknesses: kills all his friends and a lot of other people's friends. Not surprisingly this makes him unpopular with various people. Also, because he survives everything he has to eventually commit suicide in order to die.

Favourite Food: cinnamon raisin toast

Diagnosis: He is a narcissistic sociopath (symptoms: has problems sustaining satisfying relationships, lacks empathy, hypersensitivity to insults or imagined insults, experiences shame rather than guilt, projects blame onto others, displays haughty body language, uses other people for his own ends, has problems maintaining healthy boundaries, unable to keep a steady job, erratic behaviour, rage and anger, demonstrates complete disregard to social norms and behaviour standards). He is also obsessed with changing his name. This could imply that he experiences insecurity or suffers from multiple personality disorder.

Cure: The patient may benefit from therapy involving being forced to face guilt due to his many crimes. The patient may also require extensive mental recalibration to remove his violent impulses. Since mental recalibration is still at best a crude science, the treatment may or may not be effective. We must admit that no treatment is likely to succeed. We recommend placing the patient in strict confinement.

**Warning: The patient is extremely dangerous. Any attempt at treatment is undertaken at your own risk. Also, death due to suicide may occur when you find out how messed up this guy really is.**


End file.
